Tuesday, June 1

but is a brighter discontent the best that I could hope to find

Ok, so my Ex got married this week. I'm not still in love with him if that's what you're wondering. I mean, it's been like 6 years. I do have my questions... does he know his wife does not have a penis? It's not my fault I didn't fit into his plan to join the army and have a family and make his parents happy. And it's not his fault either, I suppose we all prioritize our dreams differently. You may or may not wanna hear that story, but not today. This is about me.

I think, at it's core, what upset me the most was just another glaring reminder of how much things keep barreling forward while I am just standing around waiting. I feel... well, I don't know what I'm feeling. I think that's what is bothering me. Being sad, and not knowing -exactly- why. It's not lingering feelings, stop thinking that. That was so last decade.

Whether the culprit or not, it definitely bugs me that when I get knocked down metaphorically, it takes me sooo long to get back up. I think I'm feeling incredibly weak lately. Weak, and sad. And it reminds me why I am so much better off alone.

There's quite a bit of contradiction in this -post-... myself. Forget I mentioned it.


Big Clyde said...

Twon, sorry to hear that you are sad. I understand why you would feel like you are waiting. I have no solid advice for you, my friend, but I hope that you can find a way to focus on your story...not your past, but who you are now and who you want to be. What could your story look like a year from now? You got to take care of yourself, my brother.

~HoneyB~ said...

Well said CLyde. Twon I can sympathize on feeling like your just... waiting, or stuck or just simply still. There is so much waiting ahead of you... far too much to even spend on minute looking back at the past. Keep movin' my friend, keep movin'.

Al (losingharry) said...

I feel that same way at times. And it stings like a MF'er. Feeling like I'm at a stand still while the rest of the people around me move forward. Your time will come soon as well, Twon.

Tricia said...

I don't think you're better off alone. I just think that you know who you are and you want to be with someone who knows who they are too. Personally, I've always felt that no one "turns" gay, and I don't understand why people try so hard to deny who they are just to appease other people in their life. Is his parents' approval worth denying himself a lifetime of honesty? I just don't get it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. But it was probably for the best, and I hope you see that. You're not standing still. Your life is still going, even if not as swiftly as you'd like. I know I can totally relate. All my married friends with their kids and houses and I still feel like I'm bullshitting around letting life slip by. But I also know not everyone is made for that life. I don't have to be a wife or mom to have a life. We all choose our own path. And it's okay not to know what you want. It'll come to you and there'll be nothing holding you back. Hang in there, buddy <3

fatty blogsticks said...

great advice above.

choosing what's right for you takes time. i think i understand the pressure you speak of, and i hold onto the hope that the wait will be worth it, whether i'm in control of the wait or not.

as tricia says, you're not standing still. you're here and you're discovering twon. that's more of a move than many people will ever make in their lives.

midlife_swimmer said...

my first love got married may 1rst. He posted his pics all over our friends facebooks. I had such a mixed feeling but part of it was regretting my past... which turned into resolve about my future.

maybe until you find all of yourself and are secure in your new lifestyle habits you are better off alone and not distracted, but as soon as you are ready the right one will come along for you.

I have to have hope for that myself too.