Tuesday, May 11

the sea is high and I'm heading into a crisis, chasing the years of my life

I'm 31 years old.

Well, not as of today specifically, in general. Depending on your perspective, I'm either young, old, or something in between. I side with something in between. It's been the running (based in fact) joke that I have / had issues with my age and being older, some of which have been more pressing as of late. So I'm going to talk on it a sec.

There are times when I feel like a 17 year old, and times like I feel like a 50 yeart old. But the actual circumstance of being older does not bother me. I realized when 30 happened that I was the same immature doof I was when I was 29. I am who I am, and age has very little to do with it. It's the ever shortening amount of time I have on this planet, however, that is the issue.

I like my life enough right now. It's lonely sometimes, and I would like some companionship (if it didn't cost me my soul). But I perpetually feel like that person who gets out of school; as if all the doors are open, and I can be whoever I want and do whatever I like with my life. And, to an extent, that is still true.

However, some doors close. And with everyone I know about 30 rushing to fill their lives with the things they want (marriage, houses, babies...) I don't feel the rush towards them. I always have a "there's plenty of time in life for those things" mentality, and I feel like those things would be great... someday. And today I say to myself that my life will be fine, even favorable in some cases, if I don't have those things.

But what happens when I'm 50, and I decide that I want those things and I don't have them. And then what if it's too late (for some of them)! It's that which worries me the most. And when this happens I say "Oh, whatever. I'm still so young. Don't stress over those things now."

But how long can I say that? When I've only got a 100 years to live.


Tricia said...

I don't think I'll ever be the wife/mother-type. And for the most part, I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that my life won't be like my friends' lives. All my friends my age are married with kids. But...what am I supposed to do with a kid? I'm lucky if I can get myself up and out the door in time for work. I realize I'm irresponsible and immature and I'm weird about love and commitment, so I dunno, this is my station in life, and for now, I'm alright with it.

But I do think about what it'll be like to be a 70-year-old cat lady still living in an apartment and driving my shitty wrecked car. Sounds real glamorous. But I can't make some random dude fall in love with me and I can't reproduce asexually, so what can I do? Just chillax and see where life takes me, I guess.

I won't lie though. 30 felt like the beginning of some rapidly-passing timeline. Ugh, pressure!

~HoneyB~ said...

I really liked this post I must say right off :) I had the feeling you touch on here at a very early age. I remember all I wanted to ever do was be a wife and a mother of as many kids as I was given. When I was in the seventh grade I remember being very flippent about my studies and my teacher saying "What are you going to do when you grow up? How are you going to get a job?" I looked that man square int he eye and I said "Im not going to get a job. Im going to be a mother." Ohhh boy what I didnt know is that its one of the toughest most thankless jobs out there :)))

I have been preggers and or breastfeeding MOST of my life. I got married a month after I turned 18 and got preggers with my first child 5 months after that. I dont think I really know what it was ever like to be YOUNG. :)))

Now that I am 37 and I have seven children and we are finally, sadly, done having babies... I think holy crap! I will be in my mid 50's by the time Lilly is graduated!

So either way you decide to go in this life there are benefits and down falls. I wouldn't trade a thing in my life I can honestly say. I know I made the right decision for me each and every time I hear one of them call out "Mom!"

Twon said...

@Tricia I'm cool with Chillaxin' as well. I can't even pay my bills on time, how am I supposed to find a husband and raise a kid. And I won't lie, I think being an old cat lady is living the dream! i love cats :) I know I shouldn't worry about the future and worry about the present, but when everyone else does it makes me nervous! And it's always getting faster! High School feels like it lasted 20 years of my life, while the last 5 years disappeared in a blink!

@HoneyB Why Thankya! I know people who have had kids and loved it! And I know some who, while they love their children, feel they never got do half the things they wanted. I dunno, I know I need to do what's right for -me-. I just need to move that decision process forward a bit.

NewGilmoreGirl said...

I can 100% relate to all of this. I'm (only) 25, but still have those fears of "what if I don't figure it out in 10, 20, 30 years" and "what if I'm still confused about what I want to do forever"?

I've almost gotten to the point where I want to make things happen. For me, it's going back to school and moving the heck out of Memphis, not getting married or starting a family.

Goals are good. Plans are better!

Police Girl said...

Don't worry about it!! 30 is the new 20! If you are happy with yourself, everything you want will come. You have time now to concentrate on you first:)

Twon said...

@NewGilmoreGirl Knowing what you want is half the battle! It's hard to move in a direction when you don't know what direction to move in. Hence i'm just focusing on the things i absolutely know I want. Like losing weight and being healthy!

@Policegirl 30 so is the new 20! Yay, I'm 20 :)

fatty blogsticks said...

hi twon. i completely get this post. i'm in a similar situation and have been thinking about this heaps lately. most of my friends are married, and many have children. sometimes i feel behind and want to hurry and catch up . . . but then i think, no, that's not actually what i want for my life right now.

i wonder how much of it (for me) comes down to ingrained societal ideals of how my life should pan out, rather than it coming from a real place in my unaffected heart.

either way, it sucks having to sit through dinners with the girls when they're all married and whining about their biological clocks ticking down. argh!

there just aren't enough years between 20 and 30. my advice: let's go with 30 being the new 20. xx

Rob West said...

When I am 70 I still wanna be working but for myself I think. I am getting really tired of working for "The Man". You know what I mean?

I also think it is a "dude" thing to worry about life passing by or leaving a mark in this world.