Wednesday, March 31

No feelings today

So, I did really well with my diet on thur, fri, and sat. And then terribly on sun, mon and tues. So now I have wed and thurs to bring it back around and redeem myself for this week. It's really bad that it's the first week of my weight management (diet is too strict of a word, and ugly) to be struggling. Not a good sign.

But I acknowledge that it's going to be a struggle sometimes. If I can pull it together and manage these 2 days well, hopefully I can manage some decent loss still; at least enough to help motivate. I should lose at least 5lbs the first week! I mean, we're talking water weight and an empty system if nothing else lol

We'll see what Friday brings.

Saturday, March 27

i need your discipline

you know once I start I cannot help myself.

I wonder sometimes if I should get my sugar checked. I've noticed that as soon as I realize I'm "physically hungry", which rarely occurs as I often eat well beyond my limits, I get light headed and shakey and headachey and my face gets hot and I feel panicked. I always assumed these were a normal mostly mental reaction to hunger. Hunger has never just been a rumbling in my tummy, but a whole slew of symptoms. Is that how it is for most people I wonder.

I feel like hunger is something I should learn to appreciate.

get off me!

I ordered a fancy scale. You know your fat when most standard house scales tell you your weight is "ERR". It's like "Err, you're just fat. Get off me!" I get that a lot.

But it was worth the $80. And it's a real nice scale. And now I know what my actual weight is. Man, I wish I hadn't lol No, no. I know where I'm starting from now, and seeing progress is so important to me. I guess I should start setting goals or junk.

And no, I'm not telling you the horrid number. Maybe when I'm far enough away from it :) my weigh ins will be fridays however, so I'll share whatever weight I (hopefully) lose...

Friday, March 26

the one where everyone gets married

and it reminds me that I'm lonely.

I'd be less lonely if all my friends didn't couple and move into scary adulthood.

I really don't want to follow them :/

Thursday, March 25

Exercises in emotions and self control

There's this blog article I reference a lot recently discussing exercies I can do to try and not have my usual eating binges. I find it very useful. ( ) This is my exercise of the week...

Situation -- postponing: You are postponing beginning an activity. What are you postponing? Is it true that you can postpone everything except eating?

Exercise: Reverse the order. Before you reach for food, pick one activity you have been postponing and take concrete action. It may be a note or a phone call It may be gathering materials you need. A smal action mobilizes your personal power

the accent gets me everytime

I watched the premiere of Jamie Olivers Food Revolution the other night. Despite adoring him and his british accent, I thought it was a great show on its own merit. I hate shows like "The Biggest Loser", which may have it's merits. I'm sure peoples stories are very touching and motivating, but I hate the extreme spend 6hrs a day in the gym get screamed at reality tv game show sensationalism of it all.

This is more a "let me come into your life and help you make better choices" feel. It's dramatic and snarky, don't get me wrong. But it feels real. Realer. And he's the naked chef. One of these days he'll live up to his name! And the idea that school kids eat pizza for breakfast is insane!

There was one scene where he has this family, and he takes all the food the mom would cook for her family for a week and layed it all out cooked on the kitchen table. It was all fried greasy fat, and I cringed at the idea of what it would look like if he did that to me...

Saturday, March 20

spite and fury: a love story

Ok, that was a red herring. This is not about love. It's about my coworker who is on a diet and losing weight.

I would normally be happy and positive for someone who accomplished something good, however I don't like them. They are controlling and manipulative and mostly annoying, but I tolerate them. However, he has lost a noticable amount of weight the last few weeks and his eating habits are different.

The other day when he was making fun of some fat person (yeah, he's class) and rather than the usual "he's our size" comment I got a "he's *your* size" comment. Ohhh anger. So it begs the question, is it ok to use negative emotions as motivation? I'm a big believer that negative emotions should be rationalized and worked through as quickly as possible as they are unpleasant and lead people to be hurtful / negative.

But what if that leads to burying things. Suppression of emotion is definitely part of the problem, isn't it? But all the same, I don't believe holding on to negative emotions can lead to good things, even if applied to a positive end. But is wanting to lose weight to spite someone else really so bad? I could play with the symantics and word it in such a way that it doesn't sound so bad, but why lie? He would be pissed if I stole his thunder losing more weight faster and looking better than him. And that truly would be delicious! (See what I did there...)

Friday, March 19

and maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love

...when all my resistance will never be distance enough. -anna nalick

So we won't discuss my dinner last night. It wasn't the healthiest choice. I wasn't caring. Let's talk about love instead.

There was once a time when I was the sum of all the romantic characters I saw in movies. I believed in this concept of romantic love, and I saw it in my future. I even advocated to my friends how important it was. However, after enough heartbreaks I reevaluated that position. I do not like the person I become when I'm in love, I lose myself in it. And it always ends in pain. Never mind all the fighting and aggravation to be endured. I was always afraid of ending up alone, but I think there are some overlooked merits to being alone.

As a society we are pushed to couple, to march 2 by 2 onward towards the expectations of marriage and kids and pets, and even we gays are no longer immune. I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I'm jaded, but love rarely lasts long enough to be worth it.

Thursday, March 18

better or less

I haven't forgotten you dearest blog. I am still in the phase of eating better, or eating less, whichever is the better route. I'm eating less no matter what, but prolly still too much to lose weight at the pace I would like. We won't even think about weight right now.

But I've managed to get my mom to start cooking better, so that's a big step right there as she usually cooks on sundays and sends me home with 3 days of leftovers. She can't help it. She, like me, stuffs feelings down with food. Moreso, she shows her love with food. That's the tricky part. She is old, it's hard to deal with her issues now. But I have to accept that whatever the worst meal in the world she makes, I don't have to binge on it and I don't have to eat the leftovers she sends me home with. She never has to know.

But, oh the pain of throwing away food. It's a wall for me. Emotional issues aside, it's just so wasteful! I've been supplying my coworkers when I can. This upcoming week the not-crappy scale I ordered online comes. (The 30$ scales break and I live near their weight maximums, so are duly inaccurate).

But making better choices when I can is livable.

Saturday, March 13

by the power of greyskull

I have to say, I'm slightly jealous of obsessively thin people. The mantra I hear often is that they feel helpless and powerless in their lives, but their weight is the one thing they have complete control over. It's a mentality I couldn't begin to comprehend, as I feel complete powerlessness over my weight most of the time. I was sad when coworker Ashley told me she was 160 pounds and I thought "Wow, I need to lose an entire Ashley to be healthy".

Thursday, March 11

should pro'lly just eat more veggies

Part of my dieting ritual in the past, that my friend reminded me of recently, was that I used to take chewable fiber tablets. They help with fullness -and- digestion. I've decided to partake in such things again.

I get the fiber choice weight management ones as they have chromium picolate and green tea extract (which I think really does nothing) but, more importantly, are sugarfree and taste like strawberry! The downside towards this is that I personally find them delicious and can eat them like candy.

Wednesday, March 10

testing the waters

Everyone please be advised I only ate half of my lunch today. It did not kill me. Over and out.


"What will determine the course of your life, more than any other one thing, is whether or not you are willing to tolerate necessary discomfort." -Barbara Sher

For a compulsive binge eater, which I guess I am, there is a parallel drawn between the feeling of satiation and safety. It follows that any negative feeling or happening in ones life is cause to go running for the safe numb feeling of a delicious meal. Sadly, in a world where one walks around feeling scared and insecure and never good enough, that is pretty much a nonstop cycle.

This is where the hurdle lies, for hunger in of itself is nothing I am incapable of dealing with. It is the sheer and all consuming panic, the shaking empty gasp for air, for the remotest possible chance I may feel or experience a bad thing and the crutch won't be there. That I won't be safe; that someone will hurt my feelings; that I will fail at something; that I will be embarrased, or wrong; that I will be judged. That I will be alone. I can't feel discomfort for even a second, physically or emotionally, or the resonance of that wall of fear sets in.

The irrationality of it all is absurd. Eating better and exercising makes me feel better, I know this from experience. But I think standing up and looking over the wall means the discomfort is inevitable. I just have to accept that I will be ok while enduring it.

Nay, I will be better. Much better.

Tuesday, March 9


Work is a problem x2. There's the boredom/aggravation of being at work that makes me crave food. Then there is the "reward" switch of leaving work. The latter is easier to deal with. Once I get in the car I just program "Home" into my head and once I walk in the door the urge to grab a beverage or food product subsides.

But being at work is hard as I am bored to death here. This is not due to have nothing to do, but that it is the least stimulating job ever. I also eat 3 times faster at work then I do outside of it (which is saying something) because I get no designated breaktime. Still, my main binge eating is post work, so focus on what matters I suppose.

Monday, March 8

chasing down every temporary high

We're not talking about a plan here. I don't have one of those.

But once in my life I came upon a philosophy that worked for me. I don't mean just in losing weight or exercising or what have you, but just in general lifeyness. That was the idea that I have a vast wealth of knowledge at my disposal about how to eat properly, exercise, be happy, blah blah whatnot. And since I hate making plans, I decided that I was just going to take each situation that I came across and make the best possible decision that I was able to make in the given circumstances.

This is a very forgiving philosophy mind you. It's not full of self hate, or anger or whatever negative things people use as motivators for change... this is just me doing the best I can. However I need to be aware in these situations. It's choosing a meal and not choosing the fried meat cheese. or maybe not choosing the large fried meat cheese if nothing else. It's deciding to not do the easiest thing *every* time. It's trying something new, being nicer when I can, it's cleaning more and exercising; maybe even for real someday.

But at the end of the day all it really means is caring. Because it's so easy to not care. Easy to feel like there's nothing new or exciting in this world, wherein comfort is the only true consolation.

I want to care again. I always did, but it's just the fear of disappointment...

Saturday, March 6

this and that and the other thing

I guess I should establish parameters for what I'm wasting this perfectly good internet real estate on exactly. This will be the least food related diet blog in existence. This is not for recording meals or logging exercise (though that may happen sometimes). It likely won't be spell checked or proofread, my apologies. This is something I need more than that. This is a place for me to explore my feelings.

You are correct, that sounds so horribly lame. However the issue of weight is different for each person, and the "why it happened" is almost more important to me than the "how to fix it", although those things go hand in hand. I acknowledge that the expression "eating your feelings" is not merely a cliche, but a direct statement describing when I stopped caring about weight, or appearance, or physical relationships. Or love.

That is all epilogue. The story is over and that is the tragic outcome to a story that ended with heartbreak and pain and loneliness. A life that floundered, suppressed, and never quite found its footing. However it is all over now; wrapped up and packed away like christmas decorations. It has to be. That was Volume 1, and it's written and done.

But this, this right here... this is the prologue to Volume 2. The beginning of something different.


Apparently my friend Megan, or "M" as it were, is looking to inspire people with her diet and exercise and blogging. it turns out, I am currently on the market to be inspired.