Tuesday, July 20
GeoTagged, [N42.03768, E71.62133]
You know, blog. I'm actually quite happy without you, thankyouverymuch. Superficially happy, at the least. There is a high that comes from saying to myself "that thing would be delicious!" and then eating said thing, or just relaxing when I get home from work. A sad high, I suppose. But it's where I've arrived.
I might have sooner forgotten this place existed entirely, but I keep getting these emails from people wondering where I am, how I am, and the such. And it makes me feel terrible! It makes it really hard to not care about this when you all keep pestering me about it. Stop it!
And then I think of coming back, of facing my failed attempt. Oh, the shame! In my head I say to myself that if everyone tried and succeeded first time around, there wouldn't be any weight loss blogs at all. But it still feels crappy to do really well, and then bottom out, but that's just how I roll. But I can't let a lack of an action plan dictate that I do nothing at all. I guess I just need to try again. I can do that, right? And if I fail for the 8,584th time, I suppose it's nothing unexpected.
Being away has kind of felt like a tv dramedy when you're in-between seasons. Stuff happened, none of it that important. I guess we pick up for a season 2 where we left off, if people still feel like tuning in.
Tuesday, June 15
In lieu of my diet alteration, I decided to celebrate by starting my day off with one of my friend Megans preferred breakfast, Overnight Oats. They look so gross! :) It's surprisingly good and extremely filling. You just take some steel-cut oats, add some almond milk or whichever kind you prefer, and add a mashed banana (we also add flax and chia seeds) and then just leave it overnight in the fridge. Before eating, I stirred in some organic peanut butter and it was quite yummy!
I also treated myself to some Starbucks VIA. I gave up coffee, but it didn't give up on me! It's the best "instant" coffee I've had, and this is completely reflected in the price! However 8oz is just my serving size, and pouring a stick into a cup of water is the extent of my culinary prowess. So I may buy them more.
Monday, June 14
(A continuation of my last post)
This diet starts with exercise. I am going to be exercising 5 days a week as I was. I'm aiming for M-F as this best fits my schedule, but I'll squeeze a weekend day out if I need to.
These are the new rules on which I will do my best to adhere. It won't be that different from where I was, except:
I will be incorporating whole grain carbs into my diet. I'd like to incorporate whole oats into my breakfast, whole multigrain bread into my lunches and maybe some couscous or quinoa or brown rice into my dinners. There will be no regular pasta, no pizza, and no refined starches as much as humanly possible.
Sugar is still out. I don't like it, and I will only intake as much as I did on a low carb diet. (I'm not gonna freak over sugar in tomato sauce or toasted almonds, but no candy bars, soda, and deserts. Again, for now.)
I'm going to try to eat less meat, replacing with veggie protein sources. Hut I still don't believe fat is an enemy when eating correctly and will not by high-carb lesser fat things. But this is something I will tailor as I go along.
And as much as possible, processed foods are out and whole foods are in. If its something I buy in a plastic wrapper and shove straight into my mouth, I probably don't want it.
So that's that. I'm going to aim for 2500 calories a day (I'm a big guy) and hopefully work 400 or so those off exercising. I will not be a calorie nazi, but I will be calorie aware.
In an ideal world, I'd like to be able to use my common sense and knowledge to just eyeball food options and make the best one without weighing and counting everything, but I accept that that is the dieters burden. We shall see. 3 weeks.
And this is me, back on the horse.
Ok, so today is the Monday. The Monday when I decided I would renew my journey to being a healthier me.
I'll start be saying thank you for all the encouraging comments this weekend. With the R.I.P. of my MacBook, blogging interaction has been less than ideal and I figured y'all would have forgotten about me :)
Ok, so my bottom line of these past 2 weeks has leveled with having put on 10 lbs! What a nightmare. How hard one has to work to lose those 10lbs in 2 weeks, you'd think they wouldn't come back just as quickly as they left. Though that is what they say I suppose. But, glass half fulling it I'm still down 20lbs and have all the lessons I've learned the past 2 months to set me on the right course again. And with that, I'm turning this into an opportunity to revise my dieting plan!
It is something I had planned to do down the line, but given the current situation I'm going to give it a go now. I'll give it 3 weeks to be a wonderful success or a miserable failure, and if it ends poorly, then it will be induction for me again. I'm calling it the Twon diet, cause I like naming things after myself. It is not revolutionary. I'm just going to try and work some different dieting sensibilites into my diet pallet.
The main notable difference is I will be including some whole grains and fruits into my diet. This basically means ketosis is out and I lose my "advantage" of getting to eat til I'm stuffed at every meal and still lose weight. It also means I have to start watching my calories. These are big cons for me, but I guess I am hoping it will be a sacrifice worth making.
Saturday, June 12
At the beginning of the week, I went to McDonalds. I ate it in my car in their parking lot. I ordered a McFlurry as well. I ate half of the dessert and was full. I ate the other half of it just so that I could leave the trash in my car so the neighbors wouldn't see the fat guy getting out of his car with McDonalds trash.
Sadly, this event represents this week past pretty accurately.
I'd like to say I haven't been deliberately avoiding you, blogosphere, but you know. Anyways, I've been staying late at work, barely gotten any exercise in, broke my laptop, and have been in a continued rut emotionally from last week. It is what it is I suppose. I ordered take out 3 times, and last night we went to Coldstone and I got a bowl of their new "Oreo Creme Filling" ice cream with crushed Oreo's in it. Yep. It was terrible. Never buy it. I lie to you for your own good.
I did not weigh myself yesterday, and you can't make me.
My scale is broken.
The floor is broken.
Gravity is broken.
My excuses are broken.
Just leave me alone already, dammit!
Fine. I gained 6lbs this week. Yeah, gained. *Sigh* Where do we go from here? Diet/exercise/me reevaluation time I suppose.
Sunday, June 6
Friday, June 4
In other less exciting news, I only lost 1 lb this week. Which brings me to 30 lbs total.
This week has been just crapfestpalooza. I've been in a bleh mood. I had yummy but deadly mcdonalds frappes and ate terribly for memorial day and its all just terrible. Terrible terrible terrible.
But, anyways. The only reason I lost anything this week is because I managed to keep my exercise routine on target. So my 7th week was a crap one. Fine. I'm gonna shrug it off and refocus. I think I may let the grouchy have one more day though. I'll blame caffeine withdrawal ;)
I haven't read my reader in like a week. There's like 180 things in there which is crazy as I only follow the like 30 people who follow me lol Chatty Cathy's you are!
So the challenge ended on Wednesday (it's been a rough week).
However I am happy to report that I completed my 20 days of exercise in 30 days for at least 30 min! I'm excited to have finished. Now I can never exercise again! *muahaha*
Just kidding. It has been done grudgingly at times. There were days when it didn't end up happening at all. But in the end, I perservered and reached my goal. My only issue was this week I hurt my ankle :/ But its cooperating. I'm trying to give it a day or 2 to heal now.
But I know that exercise needs to be part of a healthy lifestyle and look forward to trying some new things in the upcoming months. I will certainly be keeping you updated!
So! How did you do with the challenge?
Tuesday, June 1
Ok, so my Ex got married this week. I'm not still in love with him if that's what you're wondering. I mean, it's been like 6 years. I do have my questions... does he know his wife does not have a penis? It's not my fault I didn't fit into his plan to join the army and have a family and make his parents happy. And it's not his fault either, I suppose we all prioritize our dreams differently. You may or may not wanna hear that story, but not today. This is about me.
I think, at it's core, what upset me the most was just another glaring reminder of how much things keep barreling forward while I am just standing around waiting. I feel... well, I don't know what I'm feeling. I think that's what is bothering me. Being sad, and not knowing -exactly- why. It's not lingering feelings, stop thinking that. That was so last decade.
Whether the culprit or not, it definitely bugs me that when I get knocked down metaphorically, it takes me sooo long to get back up. I think I'm feeling incredibly weak lately. Weak, and sad. And it reminds me why I am so much better off alone.
There's quite a bit of contradiction in this -post-... myself. Forget I mentioned it.
Saturday, May 29
But aside from that, I lost 3 lbs this week! (29 lbs total). It seems that 3 lbs is just how it goes. I can't complain about that. It'll be 156lbs in a year if that stayed consistent. I just want NOW! Ya know?
I will go home and shower, nap, exercise, and then go to a BBQ where I may possibly sip from the forbidden cup of carb. We shall see. Have a good weekend y'all!
Monday, May 24
And we're closing in on the home stretch. I did, in fact, exercise 5 times this week past putting me at 14 out of 20 days exercised.
I was telling Megan yesterday that I'm glad the wii fit tricked me into doing 20 days vs 15, as if I were only doing the 15, 20 would have seem like such a huge amount! However it really only amount to an extra day or so a week. I'm enjoying being able to move around easier, and having more energy, and my clothes fitting better. Also my skin seems clearer, I dunno if it's the diet or the sweating out toxins, or both. But it's cool.
Don't get me wrong, there are days I want nothing to do with it. And days I plan to exercise and then just don't. But starting is always the hardest part (of practically anything) and now that routine is forming it's less "OMG I have to exercise! Nevar!!" and more "ugh, just do it and get it over with". Not the "love" others share for the exercising, but if it weren't for this challenge I absolutely would have exercised -0- days this month. So there's love for that.
How goes your pledges for this challenge? Feel free to comment below or link your blogs and let me know!
There won't be post next monday, but next wednesday June 2nd. That's the last day of the 30 day challenge folks! :)
Saturday, May 22
I'll take advantage of the fact that no one reads blogs on the weekend to ramble.
I used to be a caffeine addict. I used to buy 2 large iced coffees or energy drinks and bring them to work everyday. At one point, I brought a thermos full of coffee everyday. Then about a year or 2 ago, I found caffeine started doing terrible things to me... chest tightness, heart palpitations, inability to slow my heart rate when trying to sleep. I was also a pack a day smoker back then, and the Dr said I have some anxiety issues. Once I cut those things out, and realized I wasn't going to die everytime I had a panic attack, the situation resolved itself. Panic attacks that I never talk about for some reason.
Cut to modern day. I've been noticing recently my tolerance for caffeine has been increasing. Not that I'm dying to *need* coffee again, but it's nice have a latte once in a while and not be kept up all night.
I can't think of anything witty to transition to the next paragraph.
Has anyone had anyone from their past contact you from long ago, and you get excited to interact with the adult version of them only to find they are *exactly* the same person as they were before, as if wrapped in plastic wrapped and stuck in the freezer for a decade? Yeah. Personal growth, it's a good thing.
Friday, May 21
Well, this week I lost 3 lbs (26 lbs total). Same deal as last week, I can't complain. My weight loss is progressing nicely for the 6 weeks. But 5 lbs is kinda my aim every week (for now) as its acheivable, however the weekends keeps bringing me down. But not *this* weekend!
Thursday, May 20
One of my higher up bosses put me in for an "award" which consists of standing up in front of everyone and being told I'm awesome for doing something, and bestowed such luxurious gifts as a Tee Shirt (which might actually fit now), a $15 gift card, and a huge ass tub of Gumballs.
Now, I know it's the thought that counts, but what is a lol carber to do with 4lbs of gumballs!
Wednesday, May 19
So I got to peruse the "New Atkins for a New You" book that came out 2 months ago last night on my friends Kindle. It's relatively the same, but there are a few changes, and they are most definitely notable.
The largest being the new inclusion of vegetarianism and veganism as options in the book. This is a huge shift for Atkins, the diet notoriously known as the "meat and cheese" diet. There have been Low-Carb veggies forever, but they were always the hippie subset who bended the diet to their needs.
But now they are acknowledged and welcomed. There are carb listings for all the staples; tofu, tempeh, soy meats and cheeses, quorn, almond milks, etc. The only recommendations are to make sure you're getting a lot of protein still, and to add fat to your diet ala fish, avacodos, oils and such. Fat is still necessary to the process. Plus any good veggie knows the key to turning rubbery veggie products into yumminess is oil and seasonings!
I've never been a fan of my carnivorous tendencies. Now nobody freak out, I don't care that you love your steak! Meat is yummy. Different strokes. I'm just saying that I personally am not a fan of the meat industry, don't like it's ecological implications, and will be glad to include more veggie substitutes into my "lifestyle".
Other notable changes (I noticed) include:
*3 cups is now 6 cups of salad during induction
*More vegetable choices are "all you can have" due to studies on vegatables and their digestion
*and lastly caffeine has been vindicated! It was once shamed for it's potential to cause blood sugar spikes, but given recent studies showing caffeine has notable health benefits the ban (that most ignored anyways) has been lifted.
Monday, May 17
Granted 4 of those 5 days were weekdays last week in order to stave off the onslaught of the prior weekend and still finagle some weight loss. I didn't get any workouts in over the weekend due to the wedding, and I slept over their house and such. But I certainly was moving around alot and not sitting on the couch watching tv for the weekend, so maybe I staved off a few calories there as well.
I will attest that, while I'm still generally sore, I'm finding I have more "get up and go" from the exercise introduction into my life. This week I'm going to focus on intensity during my workouts and really try and push things, hoping my body will pull through for me on friday again and I won't have a sad weight gain from my weekend indiscretions.
So, how are *you* all doing on your challenges?? Feel free to comment below with updates or links to your blogs if you've updated on them there! Cheers!
Friday, May 14
So this week I lost 3 lbs (23 lbs total). This is the greatest weight loss of my life!
Now, if you weren't so polite, you might say "Twon, that's the least amount of weight you've lost on any given week since starting your diet". But you have to understand that on monday, after the terrible weekend, when I stepped on the scale, I was +6 lbs! Cathy would say "Ack!" But, I ate awesome this week... and worked out everyday since then... and my body forgave me. Thank you body.
Now I'm off to the wedding weekend to try and not let the same thing happen again!!
"Every time a couple gets married, two single people die." -Parks and Rec
Thursday, May 13
None of this actually matters. I'm still committed to my 20 workout days this month, and I'll finish it the next week as I don't intend to stop exercising once this challenge thing is over. (or I don't now I GUESS).
Tonight I went shopping for a wedding tomorrow. Being fat and shopping is the *worst*, I'm sure most of you would agree. It must be nice to just walk into any store and buy clothes. After the 3 day weekend of horror eating last week (did I mention it was *3* days? yeah) I'm prepared for my not-loss tomorrow. But I was really good all week, so I'm going to be forgiving of myself. And try and be better.
Tuesday, May 11
I'm 31 years old.
Well, not as of today specifically, in general. Depending on your perspective, I'm either young, old, or something in between. I side with something in between. It's been the running (based in fact) joke that I have / had issues with my age and being older, some of which have been more pressing as of late. So I'm going to talk on it a sec.
There are times when I feel like a 17 year old, and times like I feel like a 50 yeart old. But the actual circumstance of being older does not bother me. I realized when 30 happened that I was the same immature doof I was when I was 29. I am who I am, and age has very little to do with it. It's the ever shortening amount of time I have on this planet, however, that is the issue.
I like my life enough right now. It's lonely sometimes, and I would like some companionship (if it didn't cost me my soul). But I perpetually feel like that person who gets out of school; as if all the doors are open, and I can be whoever I want and do whatever I like with my life. And, to an extent, that is still true.
However, some doors close. And with everyone I know about 30 rushing to fill their lives with the things they want (marriage, houses, babies...) I don't feel the rush towards them. I always have a "there's plenty of time in life for those things" mentality, and I feel like those things would be great... someday. And today I say to myself that my life will be fine, even favorable in some cases, if I don't have those things.
But what happens when I'm 50, and I decide that I want those things and I don't have them. And then what if it's too late (for some of them)! It's that which worries me the most. And when this happens I say "Oh, whatever. I'm still so young. Don't stress over those things now."
But how long can I say that? When I've only got a 100 years to live.
Monday, May 10
Well, here is *my* update for the first week: A big part of my doing this challenge was wanting to do my EA Sports Active 30 day challenge alongside, however on Tuesday I could not find the knee strap that accompanies the game used to measure all your lower body exercises. So I just did the exercises as I remembered them and figured 1 day later wouldnt matter as I only committed to 15 days out of 30.
Wednesday however when I found my strap and started day one I was reminded that their challenge is 20 days out of 30. *grumblecakes*. So here's the rundown so far: 4 days out of 20 completed (officially). I make sure I get at least 30 minutes in, usually 40-45.
After this terrible eating weekend, I'll have to exercise 5 days this week and all of them before weigh in on friday!!
So, how was *your* week of exercise? Comment below and let us know how you're doing!! Or if you updated in your own blog for the challenge, drop us a link!
Sunday, May 9
A bunch of us intoxicated folks were chaffered to the recently opened Sonic restaurant near our locale. (It's an hour away from me, thank god.)
Amongst other things, I got an order of these things. Chili Cheese Tots. Now some people will look at that picture and say "Eww, those look disgusting". While others will say "Mmm, those look delicious!". Well, you are both correct.
Will there be negative repercussions to these choices? Likely. Did I try and drink the memory of the food away? Unsuccessfully, yes. But it's something we've collectively wanted to do *forever*, so will I regret the experience? No. The picture is making me want more though. (Not *my* tots photo'ed. Mine were larger and inhaled.) I am going to be one angry camper Friday!
Saturday, May 8
Love is weird.
Friday, May 7
This weekend will be another ketosis killer! Going on a trip to Sonic and Chic-Fillet tomorrow. I've never been to either of these places, and we've discussed doing it forever. So it shall pass on Saturday. Then a bachlorette party, which will involve me getting trashed on some Absolute Boston. I am prepared for a week eating lettuce and tofu to recover. Maybe the Energy Kick-Start Challenge will neutralize some of the badness!
Wednesday, May 5
I don't know what took me 3 weeks into a low carb diet to make a pan of Buffalo Chicken, but I have. Oh man, next to mac and cheese *cough* it is my favorite food in existence!! I'm gonna be eating it for 3 days, and I'm ok with that! I just browned it with red pepper and then added a bottle of Red Hot Buffalo Sauce. Burny deliciousness!!
A tl;dr prologue.
So this is my second concerted effort to lost weight with a lowcarb diet. My first came back in 2005. I lost 80lbs that time in what ended up being the perfect storm of weight loss. I had a spiffy new diet, I had a job that required a ton of physical activity, and I was dating someone I was in love with. Everything just kind of fell into place.
However things changed when he left for iraq. I came to realize that he wanted a life that I could never be part of, and we parted ways. The whole experience left me heartbroken and jaded. I decided I was not going to go through that again. And aside from a few speedbumps, I really haven't. But every safeguard, every protection, every comfort comes at some sort of price. And I guess I was always waiting for that moment, that epiphany, that person, or that experience that would all at once lift the veil and reverse those walls I built to protect myself.
But I've come to accept that life isn't a movie, and there isn't always one shining moment of clarity that causes big change. Sometimes, it's just small concerted efforts and a desire for change that are what can alter the path one has chosen to walk upon. I try to make my life a place of joy, and to find things to appreciate in every moment. I am not discontent by any means, I just feel like I should be wanting more. Contentment isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Monday, May 3
Be sure to spread the word if you desire. The more the merrier! Happy exercising. (ha!)
So I'm starting a Challenge.
You'd find the humor in this if you new me personally as goals and challenges are antithetical to the way of life I choose to lead. The idea of committing myself to a goal and being held accountable to it makes me squirm inside... because it means I'll have to do it. However, Big Clyde (http://tinyurl.com/364o5qs) thinks it will be good for my character, or something. So let's do this!
I am vowing from today, I will exercise for *at least* thirty minutes 15 times in the next 30 days.
This seems like a reasonable goal, and considering that I exericise *0* days a week, it seems like a good start! It always coincides with the EA Sports Wii Active 30 day challenge I always say I'm going to retry and have yet to get myself to do. And one round of those tends to only be 20-something minutes a day, I usually supplement it with another exercise cycle I set up for myself.
So if you care set up a challenge for yourself, comment below and we'll do it together! The numbers don't matter, just something that challenges yourself. If I have to do it, so do you :P I'll try to web 2.0 it all after when I'm not on my cell. Let the fun begin!
But to counteract my gloominess, my work pants are like 5 years old now and I used to have to wear one of those button extenders to make them fit. This weekend I did not have to. Small accomplishments.
But my lack of motivation today is fueling the ho-hums. I seriously need to clean my apartment, but am lacking the oomph. When it's just me and Halpert living here (my cat) I kind of slack off knowing no one will see it. I usually go to my friends places, their houses are more entertaining. But i need to do my chores, monday is my day off and my chance to catch up. I'm off to laundry now. It's the dreariness that demotivates I suspect.
I was eating my Willow Tree chicken salad this weekend and thinking to myself "why are you *so* delicious? So much so then normal." It would be because they put brown sugar in it!! It's only 8 carbs for a cup, but this early I think i'll be getting store brand for a few weeks.
Friday, April 30
Well, after this weekends diet blunder, I still managed to lose 4lbs this week (15lbs total). So that's something.
My appetite seems to have dimished as I predicted it would. The compulsion to be eating at all times has been replaced with actually eating when I get hungry. I still eat plenty when I do eat, but that's ok. This isn't to say I don't crave sweets, but I'll get some sugar free sweets in time.
For now, I settle for a cup of lemonade once a day (lemon juice, water, 3 splenda) to cut my sweet urges. It's actually quite yummy! It makes for decent break snack with my pickles. Yeah, mealtimes are typically omelets for breakfast, pickles and lemonade for snack, salads for lunch, and then my extravagant meat cheese yum dish for dinner. I look forward to more dieting leniency in the next few weeks!
My coworker tagged pics of me on Facebook yesterday. Ug! I work very hard to protect the mental image I have of what I look like, and don't want it spoiled with evidence to the contrary! But then I was told I looked a little thinner yesterday too, so I'll call it a wash :)
Wednesday, April 28
So this past weekend I was terrible! I did that thing I only do maybe 4 or 5 times a year, and got rocked off my ass drunk. And then I ate like 3/4 of a large dominos pizza at 1am. I didn't plan on drinking hard alcohol, it was bought for me as to throw off my poker skillz! (Long story)
Usually eating and drinking water are my preventative measures to avoid hangovers, but I think I gave myself a carb hangover lol Then Sunday was the "I feel like crap and screwed up yesterday so I might as well enjoy my screwup and make it a weekend!" and went for chinese on Sunday. It's a horrible voice, the "you're already going to have to recover so you might as well make the most of being bad" mentality. So now I live with that, I just got back into Ketosis yesterday and I just leveled out from before the weekend. I'll be lucky if I lose a lb this week.
*slaps forhead* I should've had a V8.
Monday, April 26
I have meat guilt, always have. Maybe I should look into shopping for local options for such things. At least I'll be supporting the evil industries less.
Friday, April 23
You think -I- eat for comfort or recreation! She's very quick to say "well, we'll be bad today and eat terrible things and go back to doing better tomorrow". Which is fine occasionally, but she does it every week. She believes the lie of "tomorrow". I used to.
She just has a lot of sadness and loneliness, and so much of her personality has changed as she's gotten older (she's almsot 70). I guess I'm just scared of the inevitable loss of her (physically or mentally).
Also, wow with the comments on my last post. Glad I fixed that lol Double Downs for all!
Thursday, April 22
So yesterday I did something that left me feeling dirty and sinful.
I ate a Double Down sandwich from KFC for dinner. It's like they wrapped shame and stigma into a delicious ball of arterial plaque. I was watching tv the night prior with my friend Megan and the commercial came on and i said "I bet I could totally eat the grilled one!". Website confirmed this at 3 carbs each.
So it was totally all I could think about since I found this out. I'm just so excited to have an "eating out" option I can just get and eat. But eating that crap isn't really part of my "healthier" low carb agenda. I'm trying to eat mostly fish, tofu and chicken (not from the evil industry). I coupled it with some broccoli and cheese. I'm learning to love broccoli!
Tomorrow is weigh-in. Hoping for good things to keep me motivated. Wish me luck!
Sunday, April 18
So, I do a bad thing and I weigh myself everyday (even though they say not to). It's only official on weigh-in day as far as i'm concerned. but I was shocked I lost 3 lbs for one day of eating less and doubling my exercise. It just makes me realize exercise would seriously help my cause at this juncture.
*shakes angry fist at exercise*
Friday, April 16
Well i've lost 4lbs since in the last 4 days. Low carb always did like me. Of course, given the ton of weight ive got to lose, its not too big an accomplishment lol The real accomplishment is in the trying.
I've been working out menu's to make low carb a healthier option. I eat poorly (alot of take out, pizza, etc) so in eating more fish, tofu, chicken salad and veggies i think it's actually better for me. I'm trying to do it with as little greasy red meat as possible. I have low carb dieters stigma! Even though I lost like 80lbs on it the last time I did it. It was life reasons and not diet reasons I went off track. I just needed my crutch back.
Tuesday, April 13
Sunday, April 11
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done -The Bravery
Some days, the pain is harder than others. Nothing like waking up from a dream that ruins your day so early on. It's like a whole new subset of sad.
I'm going to take shower. Maybe it'll turn this morning funk around.
Thursday, April 8
Well this week seems to be going better diet wise. Which, of course, has made me horribly grumpy lol Being poor is an equal contributor. I just have to get through the next 2 months and I'll be ok, I just kick myself for not saving money. Plus healthier food is expensive. I guess being grumpy or stressed sometimes comes with feeling feelings. Hopefully ill have lost some weight tomorrow from my Monday restart to make myself feel better.
I'm adapting to being hungry once and while. They say "if you're dieting correctly you should never feel hungry".
That's bullshit. They lie!
Tuesday, April 6
so it appears Megan has moved her wedding up a notch ( or a year) and while its a low key event now, it does create a life marker. Rather than fumbling aimlessly towards unimaginable weight loss, it gives me a nice little 6 week window to squeeze weight loss into.
Not that I'm going to lose hundreds of pounds in 6 weeks. But it will be like a game, to see what I can do in that timeframe. Ugh, stupid dieting. Grumblecakes. Guess I'll have to look at that whole "exercise" thing at some point. Another post, another day.
Wednesday, March 31
So, I did really well with my diet on thur, fri, and sat. And then terribly on sun, mon and tues. So now I have wed and thurs to bring it back around and redeem myself for this week. It's really bad that it's the first week of my weight management (diet is too strict of a word, and ugly) to be struggling. Not a good sign.
But I acknowledge that it's going to be a struggle sometimes. If I can pull it together and manage these 2 days well, hopefully I can manage some decent loss still; at least enough to help motivate. I should lose at least 5lbs the first week! I mean, we're talking water weight and an empty system if nothing else lol
We'll see what Friday brings.
Saturday, March 27
you know once I start I cannot help myself.
I wonder sometimes if I should get my sugar checked. I've noticed that as soon as I realize I'm "physically hungry", which rarely occurs as I often eat well beyond my limits, I get light headed and shakey and headachey and my face gets hot and I feel panicked. I always assumed these were a normal mostly mental reaction to hunger. Hunger has never just been a rumbling in my tummy, but a whole slew of symptoms. Is that how it is for most people I wonder.
I feel like hunger is something I should learn to appreciate.
I ordered a fancy scale. You know your fat when most standard house scales tell you your weight is "ERR". It's like "Err, you're just fat. Get off me!" I get that a lot.
But it was worth the $80. And it's a real nice scale. And now I know what my actual weight is. Man, I wish I hadn't lol No, no. I know where I'm starting from now, and seeing progress is so important to me. I guess I should start setting goals or junk.
And no, I'm not telling you the horrid number. Maybe when I'm far enough away from it :) my weigh ins will be fridays however, so I'll share whatever weight I (hopefully) lose...
Friday, March 26
Thursday, March 25
There's this blog article I reference a lot recently discussing exercies I can do to try and not have my usual eating binges. I find it very useful. ( http://tinyurl.com/ycemwfr ) This is my exercise of the week...
Situation -- postponing: You are postponing beginning an activity. What are you postponing? Is it true that you can postpone everything except eating?
Exercise: Reverse the order. Before you reach for food, pick one activity you have been postponing and take concrete action. It may be a note or a phone call It may be gathering materials you need. A smal action mobilizes your personal power
I watched the premiere of Jamie Olivers Food Revolution the other night. Despite adoring him and his british accent, I thought it was a great show on its own merit. I hate shows like "The Biggest Loser", which may have it's merits. I'm sure peoples stories are very touching and motivating, but I hate the extreme spend 6hrs a day in the gym get screamed at reality tv game show sensationalism of it all.
This is more a "let me come into your life and help you make better choices" feel. It's dramatic and snarky, don't get me wrong. But it feels real. Realer. And he's the naked chef. One of these days he'll live up to his name! And the idea that school kids eat pizza for breakfast is insane!
There was one scene where he has this family, and he takes all the food the mom would cook for her family for a week and layed it all out cooked on the kitchen table. It was all fried greasy fat, and I cringed at the idea of what it would look like if he did that to me...
Saturday, March 20
Ok, that was a red herring. This is not about love. It's about my coworker who is on a diet and losing weight.
I would normally be happy and positive for someone who accomplished something good, however I don't like them. They are controlling and manipulative and mostly annoying, but I tolerate them. However, he has lost a noticable amount of weight the last few weeks and his eating habits are different.
The other day when he was making fun of some fat person (yeah, he's class) and rather than the usual "he's our size" comment I got a "he's *your* size" comment. Ohhh anger. So it begs the question, is it ok to use negative emotions as motivation? I'm a big believer that negative emotions should be rationalized and worked through as quickly as possible as they are unpleasant and lead people to be hurtful / negative.
But what if that leads to burying things. Suppression of emotion is definitely part of the problem, isn't it? But all the same, I don't believe holding on to negative emotions can lead to good things, even if applied to a positive end. But is wanting to lose weight to spite someone else really so bad? I could play with the symantics and word it in such a way that it doesn't sound so bad, but why lie? He would be pissed if I stole his thunder losing more weight faster and looking better than him. And that truly would be delicious! (See what I did there...)
Friday, March 19
...when all my resistance will never be distance enough. -anna nalick
So we won't discuss my dinner last night. It wasn't the healthiest choice. I wasn't caring. Let's talk about love instead.
There was once a time when I was the sum of all the romantic characters I saw in movies. I believed in this concept of romantic love, and I saw it in my future. I even advocated to my friends how important it was. However, after enough heartbreaks I reevaluated that position. I do not like the person I become when I'm in love, I lose myself in it. And it always ends in pain. Never mind all the fighting and aggravation to be endured. I was always afraid of ending up alone, but I think there are some overlooked merits to being alone.
As a society we are pushed to couple, to march 2 by 2 onward towards the expectations of marriage and kids and pets, and even we gays are no longer immune. I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I'm jaded, but love rarely lasts long enough to be worth it.
Thursday, March 18
I haven't forgotten you dearest blog. I am still in the phase of eating better, or eating less, whichever is the better route. I'm eating less no matter what, but prolly still too much to lose weight at the pace I would like. We won't even think about weight right now.
But I've managed to get my mom to start cooking better, so that's a big step right there as she usually cooks on sundays and sends me home with 3 days of leftovers. She can't help it. She, like me, stuffs feelings down with food. Moreso, she shows her love with food. That's the tricky part. She is old, it's hard to deal with her issues now. But I have to accept that whatever the worst meal in the world she makes, I don't have to binge on it and I don't have to eat the leftovers she sends me home with. She never has to know.
But, oh the pain of throwing away food. It's a wall for me. Emotional issues aside, it's just so wasteful! I've been supplying my coworkers when I can. This upcoming week the not-crappy scale I ordered online comes. (The 30$ scales break and I live near their weight maximums, so are duly inaccurate).
But making better choices when I can is livable.
Saturday, March 13
I have to say, I'm slightly jealous of obsessively thin people. The mantra I hear often is that they feel helpless and powerless in their lives, but their weight is the one thing they have complete control over. It's a mentality I couldn't begin to comprehend, as I feel complete powerlessness over my weight most of the time. I was sad when coworker Ashley told me she was 160 pounds and I thought "Wow, I need to lose an entire Ashley to be healthy".
Thursday, March 11
Part of my dieting ritual in the past, that my friend reminded me of recently, was that I used to take chewable fiber tablets. They help with fullness -and- digestion. I've decided to partake in such things again.
I get the fiber choice weight management ones as they have chromium picolate and green tea extract (which I think really does nothing) but, more importantly, are sugarfree and taste like strawberry! The downside towards this is that I personally find them delicious and can eat them like candy.
Wednesday, March 10
For a compulsive binge eater, which I guess I am, there is a parallel drawn between the feeling of satiation and safety. It follows that any negative feeling or happening in ones life is cause to go running for the safe numb feeling of a delicious meal. Sadly, in a world where one walks around feeling scared and insecure and never good enough, that is pretty much a nonstop cycle.
This is where the hurdle lies, for hunger in of itself is nothing I am incapable of dealing with. It is the sheer and all consuming panic, the shaking empty gasp for air, for the remotest possible chance I may feel or experience a bad thing and the crutch won't be there. That I won't be safe; that someone will hurt my feelings; that I will fail at something; that I will be embarrased, or wrong; that I will be judged. That I will be alone. I can't feel discomfort for even a second, physically or emotionally, or the resonance of that wall of fear sets in.
The irrationality of it all is absurd. Eating better and exercising makes me feel better, I know this from experience. But I think standing up and looking over the wall means the discomfort is inevitable. I just have to accept that I will be ok while enduring it.
Nay, I will be better. Much better.
Tuesday, March 9
Work is a problem x2. There's the boredom/aggravation of being at work that makes me crave food. Then there is the "reward" switch of leaving work. The latter is easier to deal with. Once I get in the car I just program "Home" into my head and once I walk in the door the urge to grab a beverage or food product subsides.
But being at work is hard as I am bored to death here. This is not due to have nothing to do, but that it is the least stimulating job ever. I also eat 3 times faster at work then I do outside of it (which is saying something) because I get no designated breaktime. Still, my main binge eating is post work, so focus on what matters I suppose.
Monday, March 8
Saturday, March 6
I guess I should establish parameters for what I'm wasting this perfectly good internet real estate on exactly. This will be the least food related diet blog in existence. This is not for recording meals or logging exercise (though that may happen sometimes). It likely won't be spell checked or proofread, my apologies. This is something I need more than that. This is a place for me to explore my feelings.
You are correct, that sounds so horribly lame. However the issue of weight is different for each person, and the "why it happened" is almost more important to me than the "how to fix it", although those things go hand in hand. I acknowledge that the expression "eating your feelings" is not merely a cliche, but a direct statement describing when I stopped caring about weight, or appearance, or physical relationships. Or love.
That is all epilogue. The story is over and that is the tragic outcome to a story that ended with heartbreak and pain and loneliness. A life that floundered, suppressed, and never quite found its footing. However it is all over now; wrapped up and packed away like christmas decorations. It has to be. That was Volume 1, and it's written and done.
But this, this right here... this is the prologue to Volume 2. The beginning of something different.